Don't Just Think, Do. And Other Stuff.

Today I need to purge.

All the thoughts and stories that have been building up.

Some of it scares me to tell you what I've been feeling about myself.

Some of it is just the same old silly life with my circus stuff.

I'm going to tackle this in the order that I took the pictures.

I struggled with Casidee through elementary school.  She was unmotivated and just didn't care.  Unless it had to do with reading.  With reading she excelled.  She struggled with finding a solid group of friends and I think it was that issue that was affecting her.  I kept telling her to hang in there, it would be better in Middle School.  I told her that there would be new kids to meet and that she would find different friends, good friends.

I remember when I first entered Jr. High and faced a lunch with no friends.  I remember Nicole and Janae reaching out to me.  I found a solid group of friends in them and I have held them in my heart ever since.

Cas has found her group of friends.  She's happy (aside from the surly teenage attidtude that rears its ugly head now and then) and she's doing so well in her classes.

In fact...

That girl pulled straight A's, and I couldn't be more pleased or proud of her for the turn around she's made in school.

Last weekend I attended the funeral for Logan.  My sister actually wrote a spot on post about it here.  It was surprising to read her words and realize that she and I were on a similar journey.

With the death of my co-workers husband, and then the tragic loss of Logan I found myself sinking in a bit of confusion.

Usually death isn't too hard on me, I have a firm belief in the Plan of Happiness and I know that we will see our loved ones again.

I have no doubt of this.

I wasn't finding confusion in my beliefs of God or of an afterlife, but I was finding confusion in how I'm living my life.

When there is death there is recollection.

Of a life well lived.  Stories are told.  Memories are relived.  And though the pain of loss is present, though a keen sense of missing a huge part of your life clings to you, you find reasons to smile, reasons to be so thankful that they were in your life at all.

I listened to the stories and memories of these amazing men.

And I contemplated my own life.

I wanted my life to be remembered like theirs was.

And I didn't feel it would be.  The thought left me feeling empty.

I've been trying to pinpoint when it happened to me.  When I started guarding myself from people.  Keeping them at a safe emotional distance.  Family.  Friends.  Neighbors.  I only let them in "enough."

And for the time between finding out about Logan's death, and sitting at his funeral I let that realization of how I treat my relationships eat at me.

By the time I left his funeral I knew a change had to be made and it scared me to my core.  I've become so used to guarding myself emotionally.  I've become so good at keeping people at arms length.  I desperately wanted to change that but it felt so foreign a task, and so large a task, how do I even begin to repair and deepen relationships?

I hadn't intended on going to Logan's graveside, but when my brother asked me if I was going, and as I said "no," and looked at my brothers face, it began to eat at me.

Here was my first chance to do it differently.  I had every excuse in the world to get into my car and go home.  The Man was at home, with a torn up house.  I had homework.  I didn't want to take the monster truck (which I was driving because the Navi was broken) into the narrow roadways of a cemetery.

But my brother was there.  And there was a hint that he was disappointed that I wasn't going to be also.  So I turned that truck towards the cemetery instead of heading straight down the road to home.

And I stood by my brother at that graveside.

And as the balloons were released to heaven, with prayers and love to Logan, I knew this change would take work, but it was really just as simple as doing those things that I always thought about.

I thought, "I really should go to the graveside with Bill."

And so I did.

And it didn't stop there.

I thought, "I really should send a kind text to my family today."

And so I did.

I thought as I pulled up through a McDonald's drive-thru window, "what if I paid for the car behind me."

I don't know who they were, but it occurred to me that it didn't matter.  Plain and simple, I want to change who I am.

And so I did.

For the past three days every "I should" thought I've had, I've acted on.

Sometimes it's been really scary, and the good deed has left me shaking with adrenaline because it pulled me out of my comfort zone.  And sometimes I have no idea how it's affected the other person, whether I've known them or not, but always, always, I've felt it take its toll on me.  And always, I've felt that I've taken one step closer to being who I want to be.  And I've taken one step closer to strengthening my relationships.

I still have a long way to go.

The Navi has been broken so for the last week I had to drive either the monster truck or Granny Suzann's car.

A huge thank you to Suzann for letting us borrow her car.

It's a manual.  I forgot how fun it is to drive a manual.  Except in heels.  That's not so much fun.

And when you drive Granny Suzann's car you push buttons on her radio, only to get her CD player stuck on repeat.

On the song, "Another One Bites The Dust."

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another gone, another one gone
Another one bites the dust

Over.  And over.

Also, when you drive Granny Suzann's car, you get to have this on the antenna:

Sometimes we like to try different, "exotic" fruits at our house.

The Man saw a plantain and decided we needed to try it out.

I told him I was pretty sure you needed to fry them.

He googled and found that I was probably right.

But he decided to try it raw anyway.

Some of the kids joined in.

The peels smelt like a banana, but the inside smelt like a cucumber.

It didn't go over well.

Is it appropriate to say, "I told you so?"

Our youth group at church got together last night and made gingerbread houses for our church Christmas breakfast.

This one looks like Sponge Bob:

These beauties will be the table center pieces.

It's starting to feel a bit like Christmas.

Although Cas did tell me that we're probably the only ones who don't have our tree up yet.

Sheesh, our house is under construction, give a mom a break will ya?

It's not even December yet, I have time.

Today is day four of  "don't just think, do."

Do you want to join me?